Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a passion for singing. I've loved music for as long as I can remember. Growing up at home, my siblings and I were encouraged to play the piano and we played additional instruments as well. Singing was also encouraged. My mom and dad used to do duets in church and as long as I can remember my mom has been in choir. I was in choir in high school and continued to sing in college. Growing up in church, I started at a young age singing in front of people. As a child we did children's musicals and I remember on an occasion or two, having a solo. I then got on the rotation to sing special music in the evening service. It was a big step up to graduate from Sunday night singing to Sunday morning singing. Over the years I had some unfortunate things happen to me when singing. I had a couple of Cd's skip, I had a tape warp, I've forgotten words, I've been flat, and I've cried numerous times. Having those experiences caused me to create a wedge between me and one of the things I loved most, singing.
I've been on a journey the last several months. It's been a spiritual eye opener to say the least. I wouldn't have considered myself someone who needed a serious spiritual overhaul but I was wrong. God began opening my eyes to behaviors in my life that I tended to blame on "me just being me". I had always confessed the "big" sins in my life but God revealed to me that there were things hiding in the recesses of my heart that had never been dealt with...things I kept clinging too...things I didn't want to let go of. As God exposed these things to me, I couldn't help but release them. I didn't want to have anything separating me from God or hindering my walk with Him in any way. I had to face fears, self-perception, selfishness, disobedience...these weren't easy things to face but in the midst of it came such freedom. A freedom that I have never experienced before.
Any time I was asked to sing in the recent past, I would make excuses or cancel because I was too scared. I didn't want to look like a fool in front of people by either the CD skipping, or forgetting words, or breaking down and crying. It was all about ME. I was looking for the praise of others...the acceptance of others...not the praise and acceptance of my Creator, the One who gave me my voice. It's easy to be caught up in our own selfishness and self-perception and that was something God was showing me. God gave me the opportunity to step out and face my fear head on. This time with Him by my side.
Today, for the first time, I knew that I was singing for an audience of One as I participated on the church praise team. I was free from the thoughts that used to race through my head about ME and I was able to focus on HIM. HIM: the one who gave me freedom through Christ, His son. HIM: the one who gave me the passion to sing. HIM: the one who blessed me with a voice. HIM: the one who sacrificed for me so that I might have life. HIM! Only through HIM was I able to find my voice once again. To HIM be all the praise and glory for the work HE has done.
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